Aries (the ram)

March 21-- April 19

1) You have an intelligent and creative mind.

2) You have artistic ability.

3) You are like fresh mountain spring water: cold, transparent, and tasteless.

4) You like to beat your head against the wall because it feels good when it stops.

5) You haven't an enemy in the world, but all your friends hate you.

6) People need what only you can provide: your absence.

7) Some people are wise. You are otherwise.

8) I said you had an intelligent and creative mind, but it's the intelligence of a goat and the creativeness of a clam.

9) Your entire artistic ability is in twisting balloons into shapes that look like animal genitals.

10) If idiots could fly, you'd be an airport.

11) You're so shallow that when you wear extravagant clothes, people feel sorry for the clothes.

12) People like you are the reason other people need medication.

13) There's nothing wrong with you that death won't cure.

Best career moves: sausage packer, car test dummy, live punching bag