Capricorn (the goat)

November 22-- December 21

1) Pro-life people change their minds after meeting you.

2) People don't understand what you say because they don't speak bullshit.

3) You have a face that people always remember, even though they try hard to forget.

4) The only time you lie is when your lips are moving.

5) You may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. You really are an idiot.

6) You always try to use the most words to express the smallest idea.

7) You think that the quickest way to your lover's heart is through the chest cavity.

8) People find you as interesting as watching a dog walking on two legs. It's not done well but they are surprised to see it done at all.

9) You're so boring that people fall asleep halfway through your name.

10) The village will call you because they want their idiot back.

11) Your extreme flatulence was the inspiration for the whoopee cushion.

12) You can't use a rectal thermometer because of the risk of brain damage.

13) When Uranus aligns with Mars, you will be anally raped by a guy named Mars.

Best career moves: thief, goat milker, gas station bathroom attendant