Ugly Baby

Ugly Little Crying Babies

Satire by Jim Walker
Originated: 11 December 2004
Additions: 03 December 2009

  "A child is a temporarily disabled and stunted version of a larger person, whom you will someday know. Your job is to help them overcome the disabilities associated with their size and inexperience so that they get on with being that larger person."

--Barbara Ehrenreich

Why do you suppose that baby animals look so much cuter than human babies? Puppies, kittens, ducklings, and almost any young mammal or bird you can think of, have an irresistible charm to them [example cat], [example dog ], [example bird]. Their furry (or feathery) little bodies, large eyes (in proportion to their bodies), makes one just want to pet them and take care of them. People feel good around baby animals. But when it comes to human babies, just the opposite reaction occurs. I find nothing appealing about a newly born human baby. Of course this comes from my male biased perspective and surely mothers have some sort of oxytocin-in-born instinct to love their own spawn (which explains the jokes about ugly children that only a mother could love). But honestly, just look at them. They have bulbous heads, beady little eyes, chubby little bodies, bald heads, no teeth, and their arms and legs look dwarf like. Ugly, unappealing, scary even. And they have no morals. If you took an old helpless bald man with no teeth and scaled him quarter size, you'd basically have a baby.

If you doubt this, just try this well known experiment. Stick a cigar into the mouth of any newly born infant: it will look just like Winston Churchill.

And oh how these humanoid dwarfs shit. I can think of no other young animal that shits as much as a human baby. Not only do they crap a lot, but they don't even know where to crap. They have no born instinct about where, how, or when to crap. Animals, on the other hand, automatically know where to defecate and they usually do it in some private location. Cats will even bury their feces. But you have to teach a human baby where and how to crap, and it can take anywhere from one to two years to educate them! (By comparison, I taught my cat how to use a human toilet in about 2 months.) Babies go whenever they feel like it and this forces the parent to wrap the sorry thing in an absorbent diaper just to hold the crap and to limit the horrible stench. In effect what you get amounts to a chubby little ugly dwarf wrapped in a bag of crap that smells like diarrhea. And you will have to spend years and hundreds-of-thousands of dollars raising the thing. And if you ever spank one of these foul little bastards, someone might accuse you of child abuse and you could spend years in a prison. Who needs that?

And which stage are humans the most violent? It's not during adolescence or teenage years. The most violent stage is the toddler age. That's why they call it "The Terrible Twos." Babies are natural killers. Toddlers will lash out by scratching, biting, kicking, shoving, or punching anything or anyone around them, and usually while screaming at the top of their lungs. If they can't reach you, they will spit on you, throw food, forks, spoons, and knives at you. And they do these things without displaying the slightest remorse. These unbridled little savages are not only rude, and intemperate, they are homicidal. The only reason they do not kill everyone around them is because they are not given weapons of violence. In fact they have to be kept in cages, barred cribs, and seat restraints just to keep them under control. That's why there is an entire marketing industry devoted to baby restraints to prevent them from destroying and killing things.

To those people who want a child, please, please consider other options. Does the world really need more humans? No. We have over six billion people now, why add to the horror? Consider adopting a cat or a dog instead. If someone has already impregnated you, consider abortion. Now you might argue that your kid might grow up as an Einstein or a famous pornstar or something and you wouldn't want to deny the world of the service of these great people, but in reality your kid will more likely grow up as another Hitler or George Bush. Think about that.

And people wonder why I don't want children. I can do well without this "family value" thank you. Now don't get me wrong, I have no qualms at all about other people who already have kids. That sits just fine with me. But the thing that irks me the most comes when parents drag their precious little miscreants along with them into public places like movie theaters, restaurants, and airplanes. You may think of them as adorable but trust me, no one else does (if other people say they like your kids, they lie). As long as the parents wrapped their children properly and prevented the fecal stench, this wouldn't pose much of a problem, but one thing parents haven't had the ability to control: the screaming siren sound coming from their whining-crying babies.

Interestingly, when you listen to the cries from newly born animals, they usually make a cute or sad sound that makes you want to cuddle them and feel sorry for them. Birds chirp, kittens go, "mew-mew-mew," and dogs whimper (it just makes you want to go "ah"). But when a human baby cries, it doesn't inspire love or affection. Oh no, no, no. What you get from the infant's mouth part emerges a wail that goes something like this:


It shrieks! And it gets louder and more piercing the longer it goes on. And it goes on, and on, and on (like a Satanic Energizer bunny rabbit).

What evolutionary reason did natural selection cause this monstrosity to appear? Have you ever heard any young animal cry as loud, so long or one that causes so much irritation? No. Only the cry of a human baby irritates. Why?

Attention evolutionary biologists; explain that! One would expect that evolution would select for quiet criers to prevent the young from getting eaten by predators. This seems the case for most animals, but when it comes to the human animal, this theory goes out the window. Or maybe evolution has a quirk that we haven't discovered yet, like a mechanism to slow down reproduction to prevent over population. Or perhaps the banshee-like shrieks scare the poop out of predators, thus keeping them at bay. Who knows? Not only does it seem evolutionary undesirable but it doesn't enhance culture either. How many people out there would like to have other people's kids screaming in your face while you attempt to watch a movie or eat a quiet meal at a restaurant? Of course you always have the option to leave, except in some instances such as airliners where sometimes you get stuck with a crying baby in back of you kicking your seat, pulling your hair, or slobbering their saliva all over your head.

Attention airline corporations

I have a suggestion for airline companies that will guarantee a bump in sales. Offer a no-child seating section for adults only. If this appears too politically incorrect, then simply offer a "family" section (wink-wink) where you isolate the kids and parents from the adults-only section. As an alternate name, you could call it the "Dan Quayle family section" for those who love family values. That way, those who have kids (along with their shit, piss, and screams) can enjoy the company of other families and their kids (along with their shit, piss, and screams). The rest of us (and the family-less) can then enjoy a child-free, cry-free trip. The following shows a proposal for an airline seating arrangement:

Airline seating

The airlines should insure that all aircraft have a soundproof wall separating the family section from the adult sections. This section, of course, would remain locked during flight to prevent the escape of children into the adult sections. It also might prove prudent to pad the walls of the family section so the poor things won't bash in their "precious" gigantean heads (which would create even more screaming havoc).

In-flight movies for the family section would consist of nothing but family rated movies like Lassie, cartoons, and The Passion of the Christ. For the adult class sections, you could show uncensored movies which would include R-rated, unrated and, of course, XXX porn (resulting in yet another financial boon for the airlines).

As a bonus, the child section has to unboard last!


Baby Ball Gag (a method to help keep babies from being heard)

Here's one idea that will help your kid from screaming. Get a Baby Ball Gag. Just shove it down its 'charming' little throat while you rest in peaceful silence:


For more information on the Baby Ball Gag, click here.

Unfortunately, a ball gag won't prevent your kid from shiting, so here's another idea that I invented that not only keeps the thing quite but isolates you from their crap:


Baby suit (Another method to isolate kids from adults)


How would you like to live with a slobbering, screaming, diarrheal organism like the one above and have to drag it into public places, all the while upsetting everyone around you? Welcome to the world of parenting. Trust me, I have sympathy for you folks and I can understand the hell you've put yourself into. I have thought a lot about this, and I think that science and engineering can help you out. Surely you've heard the old adage: "A child should be seen but not heard." Well until now, no one had the ability to keep adults from hearing children. Instead of submitting yourself to the will of your own offspring and allowing them to embarrass you in public, why not consider putting your child in a baby "environmental" suit?

Baby Suit

The helmet consists of a sound-proof enclosure whereby the baby-creature can scream as loud as it wants without bothering people around it. Just in case the parent needs to hear the baby (for who-knows-what reason), the suit includes a safety valve that opens briefly to allow the parent to communicate or to feed the thing. The engineers have also thoughtfully made the suit leak proof to allow the creature to shit and piss all it wants without it leaking or smelling up the outside world (and upsetting us). The suit consists of a washable material.


For those thinking of having children, think about the environment

If you are considering having a kid, please, please reconsider. Do you want help reduce the carbon footprint of humanity and help the environment? Then don't have children. Like farm animals, human flatulence (which includes prodigious amounts of methane) adds harmful greenhouse gases to the atmosphere. Not only that, consider that a baby will consume animal products such as meat, milk and cheese that will require raising more cattle, pigs, goats, and other methane producing animals. Moreover, a child will grow up using carbon producing devices such as cars, public transport, heaters, air conditioners, etc. Consider also that your child may turn out to be a right-wing conservative fundamentalist Christian, and you know what that could mean: a denier of climate change, driving a fuel guzzling monster truck with gun racks and a willingness to start worldwide wars.

In fact there is nothing you can do better to help clean the environment than by not having a child. Think about it. Take all your fuel saving devices, including electric cars, solar panels, compact fluorescent light bulbs, and you will never save as much energy as one child produces throughout its miserable life. Not only will you avoid the disgusting scatological effects of children, but you will contribute to the betterment of mankind by helping clean the atmosphere for adults.

If you already have children, of course you cannot kill them as this is, sadly, against the law. However, you can help by reducing their food intake. Have you ever seen a typical American baby? They are typically fat and ugly. Cramming all that food into their stomachs produces more unnecessary shit and flatulence. So put your babies on a diet. This is not only good for them, but also for the environment (but not nearly as much as not having them in the first place). If the thing cries for food, just put a gag in their mouth or put them in a baby suit (see above).

I don't hate kids

Now I suspect what you must think of me. You think I hate kids, right? Well I don't. I love kids, especially on toast. I kid. No, really, I love kids, just not their behavior . If you took away their crying, their uncontrolled shitting, the violent behavior, their incessant whining, and you added some intelligence (at least equal to a cat), I just might like their behavior too. (You might also want to give them some plastic surgery to make them more atheistically pleasing to look at.) After all, I once lived as a child too, but I never cried or shat in public. My mother kept me locked up in a dark basement, so don't go accusing me for the same kind of public behavior of your misbehaving kids.

You must understand that whenever people have to live with your baby's ill-behavior, it triggers the violent nature in them and they can blow their fuse at any second. This could result in you or someone else murdering your baby. (Not that this proves necessarily bad, mind you, because then we could harvest the stem cells from the murdered infant to help save adult lives, a far more noble purpose, if you ask me. But I digress.) So don't send me angry letters about me hating kids. I love them; just not their behavior (a love-the-person-not-their-behavior sort of thing).

So please parents, do what you can to prevent your little screaming shit factories from upsetting those around you. For those who don't have kids but claim they want one, think about getting a hysterectomy (for girls), or a vasectomy (for guys) and adopting a cat instead. Cats are far more fun than screaming little undeveloped human miscreants who haven't the ability to control their bowels or their temper.

Further reading:

A Modest Proposal For Preventing The Children of Poor People in Ireland From Being A Burden to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public

by Jonathan Swift (1729)


Considering Children?

Temper Tantrum

Screaming Baby 1

Screaming Baby 2

Now do you see what I mean?