Holiday Gift Ideas For Religious People
Warning: Not Safe For Religious Children (NSFRC)
- Compiled by Jim Walker
- Created: 25 Nov. 2005
- Additions: 16 Dec. 2009
Have you ever worried or contemplated about what kind of gift you should give to a religious friend, especially those who think atheists and freethinkers will go to Hell? Well not to worry. I have a few gift ideas below that should work to offend even the best of your friends or family members.
Note, you should give these gifts only to those who have unfairly criticized your religion, atheism, etc. or to those who have preached to you without your permission. These gift ideas provide a little Tit-for-Tat that should put these intolerant folks in their place (at least temporarily). Do not give these to those loving tolerant Christians that don't or can't understand the dangers of religion.
It's all for the sake of humor for the humorless, even if it's only you that gets the joke.
Oh Christmas, that dark and wintery day when Christians celebrate the birth of the Bastard Virgin Jesus who would later end up inventing the idea of Eternal Hell and saying bad things to Jews and unbelievers. Since Christmas is supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus, why not give a gift that relates to his life? Here are a few ideas that should educate your religious opponents with a little humor to break their intransigence.
The God Delusion
Artwork from RichardDawkins.net
If you want a great gift to give to your Christian friends, then you can't do better than Richard Dawkins best selling book, "The God Delusion." It's a subtile way of telling your friend that he or she is deluded too. Read my review here.
The God Who Wasn't There DVD
What better way to celebrate Christmas than to give an historical film account of Christianity? Ex-fundamentalist Brian Flemming's documentary explains the deeply hidden truth about Christianity: that there exists no evidence for a historical Jesus of the New Testament! This should liven up your wintery Christmas that will bring tears to your family members with a heated debate about the origins of the little baby Jesus.
Book of The Sayings of the Young Jesus
This thoughtful gift will show your respect for their religion. At least at first.
The only problem is that the book has nothing but blank pages!
Of course no one has the slightest idea of what the alleged Jesus said during his young life and this book makes a point of illustrating that.
You can purchase blank books from various book supply stores and have them embossed with whatever title you like.
Christians love to celebrate the birth of the little baby Jesus. Why not consider giving them a Nativity scene, but not exactly what they might expect. Get the largest Nativity scene you can afford (a lawn Nativity scene works best), but instead of a baby Jesus, replace him with an egg! This will surely puzzle your Christian target to no end.
If asked for an explanation, tell them that on the night of the Holy Conception, Mary saw a white dove descending from heaven and then she felt it entering her body. The Holy Ghost thought it would be funny to disguise Himself as a bird. Then the Holy Ghost bird raped the hell out of her and she became pregnant. So you thought that it was appropriate to use an egg because Jesus was probably half bird. Also say that you used an Easter egg because you thought it would be cool to connect Christmas with Easter.
The Nativity Egg gag should produce gales of laughter all around.
Menstruating Mary Statue
No doubt you've heard of the blood weeping statues of Mary (to see an example, click here). But how many times have you seen her weeping through her immaculate vagina? I'll bet you never have, have you?
This miracle wonder should bring throngs of Catholics to the home of your gift receiving friend. (Angry Catholics, perhaps, but throngs of them nevertheless.)
Tell your Catholic target that you had this statue for years when it started to menstruate as if by a divine miracle. And since you're not religious, you thought it would be appropriate as a gift to a Catholic who could appreciate it more than you. Suggest putting the statue in a booth similar to those used in porn shops where the voyeur drops in a coin to get a glimpse of a porn star. A Holy peep show should make your Christian friend rich beyond his or her wildest prayers.
You can purchase a plastic "Our Lady of Grace" statue here. Simply brush on some fake blood onto the statue and have fun.
If they complain that the vagina doesn't "weep," just shrug your shoulders and say, "I guess it's not that time of the month."
The Sounds of Saint Mary
Give your friend a CD of the Sounds of St. Mary, but don't explain the contents until they hear it. After they unwrap their present, hand them a CD player and ask them to play it. The first track they'll hear is of a woman screaming and repeating the words, "Oh God, NO, NO!" <the music of "Silent Night" is playing in the background>. The entire CD is filled with pain, suffering and orgasmic pleasure sounds.
The CD come with a liner note card with the sound tracks:
- 1. Mary's Rape (The horrendous sounds of Mary being raped by God) [10:15]
- 2. Mary's Birth Agony (The sounds of Mary screaming in pain while giving birth to the baby Jesus) [14:58]
- 3. Mary's immaculate orgasm (Mary having an orgasm with Joseph. Lots of "Oh God" sounds) [10:24]
- 4. Mary at the Crucifixion (Mary screaming and crying as her Son is being crucified. Jesus in the background is screaming too) [16:32]
- 5. Mary in mourning (Mary wailing at the death of her Son. The disciples in the background are sobbing like little girls) [12:12]
You can't actually buy this CD so you'll have to make one yourself. Fortunately, with the ease of CD recording software on the market, this is easy to do. Record the screaming sounds from a horror movie and the orgasmic sounds from one of your favorite porn movies (or get a girl friend to act out the sounds), and simply burn it onto a recordable CD. What fun!
- Mother Mary with the Holy Child Jesus Christ
Oil and canvas by Adolf Hitler, 1913
What better gift could you possibly give to celebrate the birth of Jesus than a picture of Mary with the baby Jesus? This beautiful painting was done by a fellow Christian, Adolf Hitler, in 1913.
Download the enlarged picture here (9.16" x 6.38" at 72 pixels per inch) and print it out on a photo quality printer and frame it.
For added fun, don't tell them who the artist was until after they have hung it on their wall for awhile. Oh the hilarity that will ensue!
Faith Test Bottle of Poison
Here is a wonderful and practical gift to test the faith of any Christian. According to the Bible, Jesus says in Mark 16:18:
"if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them."
That's right. Those who are baptized and believe will not get sick or die even if they drink a deadly poison.
This bottle is actually filled with a poison that will kill a human within minutes (unless Jesus is right and you are a believer).
Imagine if every Christian took this test, we could separate all the True Christians from the false ones. Surely all True Christians would be happy to take this test. If they refuse the test, then you can be pretty sure that they have no real faith, and then you can welcome them to the world of unbelievers.
As a bonus, tell them that if they drink this poison and are not harmed, then you will abandon atheism and become a Christian.
Lump of Coal
This is an old traditional Christmas standby but it still makes a great holiday gift for those who deserve it.
Actually the product at the right is called "Chocolate Lump of Coal" from Maramor, but instead of giving your friend candy, replace the chocolate with real coal lumps and paint over the word "chocolate" on the box as I did on the illustration.
To make the point even stronger, especially for those who wanted a diamond ring, just put a single lump of coal in a brown paper bag and write, in pencil, "A diamond in the rough, Merry Christmas" on the bag. Tell them they'll have to wait awhile before it turns to diamond.
If you're a cheapskate but at the same time you want to give the most valuable gift possible, then consider giving a blessing certificate. Every Christian knows that the love of money is the root of all evil, so instead, give your blessing which is far more valuable than money or any material object, right?
For further explanation and printouts, go here.
Oh Good Friday, that happy time of year when Christians celebrate the slow painful blood spurting slaughter of Jesus nailed to two pieces of lumber. Of course Crucifixes and Crosses make a wonderful gift to commemorate the blood fest but how boring and unoriginal. I have a few other ideas.
Although these gifts work better around Good Friday and Easter because they celebrate the suicidal death of Jesus and his escape, you can also give them as Christmas presents. After all, they're about Jesus so what the hell.
Thigh Bone of Jesus
In Medieval times, Churches used to promote their religion by displaying the bones of saints, a piece of wood from the "true" cross of Jesus, etc. This was quite an industry back then and it brought in a lot of people into their churches. In fact, it's still in practice today (see: The Family Jewels). Why not "find" a Christian relic of your own?
Here's what you do. Get a pig or cow thigh bone from your local butcher shop and strip all the meat from it. Then put it in a glass case and make a metal label engraved with: "Thigh Bone of Jesus, circa 33 A.D." If they ask you why it's so small, tell them that Jesus was a midget.
Note, a baseball glass case works great for a bone enclosure.
It had to happen. Entrepreneurs from Los Angeles are seeking to market wine with a "Jesus Juice" label.
The label shown here is not the actual one they propose but you can read all about it here.
But wouldn't it make a wonderful holiday gift? If the LA marketing campaign fails, not to worry. Purchase a small bottle of wine and tear the label off. Replace it with the label on the right (just print out the label and glue it to the bottle.)
Bottle of Jesus' Divine Blood
This one is extreme compared to the Jesus Juice above. Instead of wine, this is a bottle of actual Lamb's blood transubstantiated by priests. It's better than wine because it tastes more like the real thing.
What you do is purchase wine encased in a box that looks canonical (something like the wine in a wooden box shown here). Then you empty the wine (into your stomach, of course) and replace it with lambs blood. I suggest using lambs blood because it has religious significance; Jesus was the sacrificial lamb, you see.
The easy part is getting lamb's blood from a butcher. The hard part is getting a priest to consecrate the blood. Not because blood is difficult to consecrate, mind you, but because not many priests will be willing to do this for "moral" reasons (ha-ha-ha). (Actually transubstantiated blood should be easier to consecrate than wine because it's already blood, right?). If you can't get a priest to do this, surely one of those molester priests would be willing to consecrate it for you. No doubt they need money for their defense lawyers. Make sure you get a signed affidavit stating that they actually performed the offertorium (the ritual of transubstantiation).
If you can't get the transubstantiation, what the hell, just tell your friend that it's transubstantiated. They won't be able to tell the difference.
Of course your friend will think you're joking but when they actually taste it, you'll be in tears of laughter as they find out you weren't joking.
The Passion of the Christ DVD with Eucharist Snacks
This snuff film is perhaps the most violent film ever made. Almost the entire movie is about torture, pain, suffering, and death, just the kind of thing Christians love.
The DVD is a popular gift but why stop there? Along with the DVD give something to eat while enjoying the blood fest.
Most movie goers eat popcorn, cola and Jujubees but they are unhealthy, sinful and pagan. Instead, why not eat the flesh and blood of Christ while watching Jesus being tortured and crucified? After all, that's what its all about. According to the New Testament, Jesus wants you to eat him. You should enjoy yourself at His expense. After all, He died for you, right? What could be better than that?
You can purchase Eucharist bread (Jesus flesh) and wine (Jesus blood) at your local church supply store, but this can get expensive. Instead just purchase some wine (or Jesus Juice) and crackers from the grocery store. No one will notice the difference and, not only is more nourishing, it tastes better too.
Jesus Christ Porn Star DVD
This is a great gift to give to your homophobic Christian friends.
What an epiphany! Who knew that Jesus was into kinky gay sex? Actually it shouldn't really surprise anyone considering that Jesus hung around with twelve men, wore a long flowing linen gown, and then there's that gay naked play described in Mark 14:51-52.
This film gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Jesus loves you." Passio, directed by Matthias Von Fistenberg, shows extreme anal sex, bondage & discipline, and a feast-of-flesh during the Last Supper. Let's not forget that during the Supper, Jesus said to his disciples, "Eat Me." (John 6:53-55)
This film will surely cause Christians to come out of the closet and kneel before the crucified Jesus with a love stronger than they've ever known before (of course the clergy has known that Jesus was gay for a long time).
You can purchase this gift of love here.
Crucify Christ Kit
Now here's a thoughtful gift for Good Friday. Viewing Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ is one thing but you can only watch the torture of Christ. What if you could actually act out the Passion yourself? Well, here's the solution. The Crucify Christ Kit comes with all the necessary items needed to simulate the crucifixion of Jesus on the cross. Note, the robe of Jesus comes off, revealing a naked Christ with a very small penis (so as not to offend the religious folk). Assemble the crown-o-thorns onto Jesus' head and pretend he's carrying the cross to his death. Then drag the naked Jesus onto the wooden cross and hammer him with a realistic looking Roman tack stakes (the kit comes with hammer and extra tacks). The kit even comes with fake blood so you can splatter the body of Jesus with his own blood. Then as a coup-de-grace, stab Jesus in his side with a spear (just as it's described in the Bible). Oh what religiously gruesome fun for the kids.
Jesuswitch (Jesus Light Switch)
This gives a whole new interpreation to Jesus' saying, "Suffer the little children to come unto me."
As every priestly pedophile knows, Jesus has a hard-on for children. What better way to express your love for Jesus than to turn him on?
That's right, every time you turn on your bedroom light, you can turn on Jesus with a flick of your finger. The switch will remain in an upward erect state until you turn him off again.
Jesus Hates You T-shirt
Have you noticed that Jesus never answers your prayers? Well, that's because he hates you, especially if you're a conservative Christian. Why does he hate Christians so much? Because Jesus is Jewish and they keep pretending he's a damned Christian. He's also a liberal and he's especially pissed off at people wearing those damn crosses that remind him of his torture.
Give your Christian friend this T-shirt so that they'll understand that Jesus hates them too.
(Source: Cafe Press)
In the middle ages self-flagellation served as a discipline as a measure of mortification and penance for monks. St. Dominic Loricatus and St. Peter Damian, for example, flogged themselves in public. The Flagellants movement created much excitement among the religious populace. Why not bring back this exhilarating religious tradition back into the world of Christianity? Flogging for Christ, what a catchy idea!
A self-flagellation whip would make a wonder holiday gift for a priest or minister. If they don't know what to do with it, offer to demonstrate the device on their bare back. Tell them that this is going to hurt you more than it hurts them. Whip them until they begin to bleed. Then hand them the whip and say, "Now you try it."
Knee Pads for Praying
This is a great gift for your religious friends who kneel and pray a lot.
It's best to get the bulkiest and ugliest knee pads you can find. Then paint a cross on the front side. Tell them these pads are similar to the one's that St. Peter wore.
Chastity Belt for Priests
- This gift is for pedophile Priests. Give them something that shows you care.
- The chastity belt comes with a lock and key. This helps prevent your priest from molesting a child, thus preventing anyone from accusing your priestly friend of child sex abuse.
Gruesome Crucifix Necklace
Why in the world do women think that cross necklaces look good on them? Don't they realize a cross represents an instrument of torture and execution? Whenever I see a woman wearing a cross, it automatically turns me cold. Either they are ignorant, in favor of suffering, or they are actually dumb enough to think it's attractive. It's not.
Women, listen: if you want to look more attractive, take off that damn cross. Your attractiveness index will improve by at least two points. If you wish to advertise your Christianity, wear a dove or fish symbol, instead.
But if your target insists on wearing a cross, why not emphasize the idea by giving them a more realistic one?
This gruesome crucifix is based on a painting by Mathias Grunewald in the 16th century (when they really enjoyed torture and pain). It's perhaps the most horrifying depiction of a crucifixion ever made (until Mel Gibson's movie, of course). To see the horrific details of the painting, click here.
This crucifix pendent is larger than most, just big enough to make it awkward and obvious. Unfortunately you can't purchase this crucifix, as it's only a PhotoShop representation. (Jewelers, get busy!)
Mother's Cross (Mutterkreuz)
This symbol of Christ would be a great Mother's day gift or to your mom on any Christian holiday.
This is an original Nazi Mother's Christian cross given by Hitler as an award to women who gave birth to Aryan children during his campaign to abolition abortions. A mother could be awarded a bronze, silver, or gold cross depending on the number of children she bore. There was even a Golden cross encrusted with diamonds that was awarded to a small number of women who bore 12 or more children.
Imagine the look of your mom as you give her this metal to honor her and her large family. Have her wear it to church!
You can purchase a Nazi Mother's Cross as various WWII regalia outlets. [example]
Dildos for Jesus
"Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:1-6) Give a dildo for Jesus this holiday. What a thoughtful gift idea for your sexually uptight loved ones. What better way to celebrate Christ than by enacting out a sexual experience with Him. Imagine it as the Penis of Christ as it thrusts into your immaculate vagina (or Jesus raping your bum, if you're into that sort of thing). You can purchase these marvelous religious utensils from Divine Interventions.
Ball Gag for Christian women
The Bible teaches that women should learn silence with all subjection (see 1 Tim. 2:11-14). Women should also keep silent in churches. It is not permitted for them to speak. In fact they are commanded to be under obedience. (see 1 Cor. 14:34). Naturally, some women will complain, so a ball gag will aid in their subjection.
Imagine how proud the husband will feel walking his speechless ball-gagged wife into Church as his fellow parishioners look at him with envy.
Ball gags are also useful during forced sex. Never let a woman say 'no' while raping a female captive as allowed in Deut. 21:10-14.
You can purchase a ball gag from any Christian S&M shop.
Ball Gag for the Noisy Christian Child
Not to leave out the children, give your screaming kid a baby ball gag for Christmas.
Christians throughout history have taught that children should be seen but not heard. Now the parents can enforce this rule by shoving this Godly baby ball gag down their 'charming' little throats.
Get your Baby Ball Gag here.
Black Jesus Religious Card
This is a great card gift idea for your more racist religious friends or family members.
The frontside depicts a Black Jesus Christ as a slave. The inside reveals the Lord's prayer translated into Ebonics.
You can't purchase this card but you can make one easily.
Print out the Big Daddy's Rap onto the rightside of a white hard stock paper cut to the size of a card, and fold in the middle.
Then scale to fit and printout this picture and paste it onto the frontside of the card.
Christmas Baby Card
If one of your religious friends has one of those foul little feces making machines (some people call them "babies"), especially the ones who cry a lot, consider giving them this thoughtful Christmas card.
Copy and print out this picture and make a card out of it.
As an added bonus, include a large rock along with the card. Aren't blessings wonderful?
[Note, the Bible verse actually appears in the Bible.]
Stained Glass Sin
There's something deeply disturbing about these two stained glass windows, but I'll leave it up to you to figure them out.
Nevertheless, these would make great images to put on Christmas cards, wouldn't they?
Sarah Palin's Faith-Based Birth Control Pills
Sarah Palin's Faith-Based Birth Control Pills are perfect for those who would rather pray and abstain than deal with Reality. No pills to swallow: The only thing you have to swallow is that Faith-Based bullshit!
The Bottle is filled with a guilt sheet featuring a picture of Jesus with the reminder: "Remember, Jesus is watching you have sex. Pray for forgiveness." It's sure to work as well as the birth control method Sarah's daughter was on when she got pregnant. Order several and pass them out to your friends.
Magic Mormon Underwear
For your Mormon friends, these fashionalbe underwear items will protect them from harm. I kid you not. According to Latter Day Saints (Mormons), these religious undergarments are sacred and God will protect Mormons who wear them.
Note, you can give this gift to non-Mormons (even atheists) because they will provide the exact same level of protection as they do for Mormons. How could this be? Because they don't work.
(Watch Magic Mormon Underwear)
Selling Crap to Christians
Religious leaders have been selling their crap to us for centuries. Now you, too, can profit from the gullible masses. Denny O. Theeves tells you how in his revealing new book. It's fun and people will think you are a prophet when you are really raking in a profit (get it?).
This book may not exist, but then, neither does god. But that shouldn't stop you from selling crap to Christians.
(Source: The Sacred Sandwich)
Jewish Marriage sheet with hole
I haven't forgotten the Jews. Most Jewish folks don't force their religion on others like the Christians, but a few can be pretty intimidating. This one makes a great Passover gift (Passover is the celebration of God killing all the firstborns of Egypt as He "passed over" the chosen ones.)
Did you know that orthodox Jews are so strict about marital sex that they have sex through a hole in a sheet? Why not give this gift of love to your best uptight Jewish friend?
Actually there's no truth to the "hole-in-sheet" rumor at all, but that won't stop you from pretending that it's true. If they argue about its authenticity, explain to them that the hole-in-sheet idea is secretly hidden in the Torah and only Kabbalah interpretation can reveal it.
This belief apparently started with the1992 film Como agua para chocolate (Like Water For Chocolate), which is set in the late 1800s. Following the wedding of a young Mexican couple, a scene from their wedding night shows the new wife nervously arranging a sheet with a hole, over herself. The hole-in-sheet also appeared in a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode on HBO.
For a nice touch, include a condom along with this gift.
Be the first on your block to give your Islamic friend a genuine Afgan Islamic Burka. When they try it on, tell them they look much better.
What better gift could you possibly give to a Muslim than a t-shirt with an Islamic theme? If they get angry and tell you that it's against Islam to portray any image of the prophet Muhammad, just tell them it's not Muhammad, but an image that looks exactly like a New York city taxi cab driver.
The Joy of Painting Muhammed
Miscelanous Gifts: Good for any religious person
George Bush Voodoo Doll
You'll get chuckles and guffaws when you present this Bush Voodoo doll to your Pro-Bush Christian friend. It's also funny because giving a pagan gift to a Christian goes so contrary to their beliefs. If you present this gift to someone at a company holiday party, it should produce interesting comments (as well as forcing new job opportunities for you).
Yes, I know, I know: the penis is way too large for Bush, but at least the testicles are a good representation. (You can always cut off the penis to its proper size. Ouch!).
The doll comes complete with pins & instructions. Now they can torture Bush just the way he allowed torture in his military.
The Bush face doesn't come with the doll, but simply cut out a picture of Bush from a magazine and simply paste it to the doll. Of course you can also paste a face of any other Republican criminal like Cheney, Rumsfeld, or Karl Rove, etc., but Bush was the Criminal-In-Chief.
You can purchase authentic voodoo dolls from the Voodoo Shop.
Dog Poop Calendar
Here's a gift for any asshole, religious or not. Every month you get a new picture of dog poo at various scenic locations. A great gift for Christmas or New Year's day.
What better way to tell your "loved" one that they're full of crap.
To see the monthly photos, or to order the calendar, click here.
A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting
This book describes the art of vaginal fisting, an intimate form of sex that involves inserting the entire hand into the vagina. It's been long practiced by lesbians, bisexuals and heterosexuals alike. Faithful people of religion probably never heard of such a thing. Now you can enlighten their sex lives with this thoughtful gift. Now they too can reach for God into the Holiest of Holies.
A Gift for Atheists and non-believers
Jesus commands to "give every man that asketh of thee" (see Luke 6:30).
Well, as a non-believer and one who accepts this thoughtful gesture by Jesus, I hearby ask every Chrisitan who reads this to give me all your money. Please make your check out to Jim Walker.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
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