Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Jesus on the cross
Jesus is dying on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears Jesus' faint voice, "Peter. . . Peter. . ."
"I must go and help my Savior," he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, "Peter. . . Peter," in even fainter tones but he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and gets halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beats him brutally, and tosses him back down the hill.
Again he hears, "Peter. . . Peter. . ." ever fainter, and again, he cannot refuse his Lord. In pain, he slowly staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ's face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Jesus says, "Peter. . . Peter. . . look, I can see your house from here."
The drunk in the cathedral
A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"
In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"
In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"
"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."
"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"
"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."
"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."
"OK, Billy, what do you think?"
"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."
"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"
Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
The new priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T'.
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) Recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God'.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Poor blind Herbie
Poor little Herbie. Since his birth, poor blind Herbie had never seen the light of day. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day would be a very special one. If he prayed extra hard to Jesus, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.
Eagerly, Herbie crouched down on his knees beside his bed and put his hands together. For hours, he prayed and prayed to Jesus.
The next morning Herbie's mother came into his room and gently woke him from his sleep.
"Well Herbie, open your eyes and you'll know that Jesus answered your prayers."
Little Herbie slowly opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I STILL CAN'T SEE!"
"I know, dear," said his mother. "APRIL FOOL!"
Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
"Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"
How to become a "good" Christian in 20 easy steps.
1. Confess to all your friends, associates and church leaders that you love Jesus and intend to become His slave and that you will devote your life to Him. It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, just saying it will put you in a Christian mode.
2. Join a church, get baptized and attribute your conversion to the priest or minister. Gaze reverently into his eyes as he pontificates about the nature of God. Sighing every once and a while, or wiping a tear will guarantee their devotion. If you join a revival church, fall to the floor, shake your body, put up both hands and yell: JAYsus-ah! NEVER bring up the topic of sexual molestation to your priest, no matter how many boys or girls he may have poked.
3. Every Sunday, make sure you put a large sum of MONEY into the church's MONEY basket. Make sure that everyone in the congregation sees you giving MONEY.
4. When talking with your priest and religious friends, occasionally confuse something that they said with something that Jesus said. This will impress them and they will think more highly of you.
5. Read the Bible, but ignore the atrocities and concentrate only on what seems "good" to you. For instance, discard the parts where God kills firstborns, pregnant women, etc., and only keep verses such as "God is love." Its like taking a sugar coated bitter pill, but it will appear good and that's what counts here.
6. Learn a few basic Hebrew words and whenever you're in a religious discussion, mention them in the context of their original meaning and comparing them to the English version. This will impress others of your Biblical knowledge, even if you don't know squat about theology.
7. Rely on faith and believe in the Bible superstitions, regardless of how silly they may seem. Yes, even the talking donkey, unicorns, and the strolling on water part. Even if you don't believe in them, just pretend that you do; no one will be able to tell the difference.
8. Abandon all reason and critical thinking. This is imperative. You cannot become a good Christian if you question the Bible with reason or skepticism.
9. Smile a lot to everyone you see. Say you love them even when you hate their guts. You must pretend, at all costs, to love your worst enemies even if it kills them in the end.
10. Attempt to convert your unbelieving friends. Make an ass out of yourself to the point of getting them angry. Make sure you always keep smiling and tell them how much you love them. This will escalate their anger and leave you fully satisfied. If they persist, claim that they are in league with the Devil and only faith in Jesus can release them (make sure you keep smiling).
11. If anyone presents reasonable arguments against Christianity, simply go into denial. Say that their tempting only makes your faith grow stronger. Never submit to them.
12. If your antagonists quote a verse from the Bible that contradicts your position, simply say that they're taking that verse out of context. The out-of-context ploy will get you out of many difficult situations and will make it seem that you actually understand the correct context when in fact you don't.
13. Pray. Make sure you pray, not just in church, but in public parks, schools, libraries, and when visiting friends and relatives. Praying out loud is a sure way to convince others of your Christianity.
14. Advertise your Christianity. Examples: wear religious symbols such as a cross; always have a Bible handy; put fish symbols on your car; put a baby Jesus on the front lawn; put a plastic Jesus in your car. Cross yourself a lot.
15. Wear conservative clothes. For the best effect: Men should wear white shirts and dark pants. Suits should be baby blue. Women should wear long dresses and veils. The hair style should be frumpish. Old ladies should dye their hair blue. NEVER attempt to look sexy. Never tattoo your body with religious symbols. Women should never expose their breasts. Men should NEVER expose their genitals.
16. Get married and raise a family. The bigger the better. If you cannot conceive, adopt. Profess family values. If you cheat on your spouse, never make it known to them. Never get a divorce, regardless of how miserable you both feel.
17. When making love to your spouse, make it known that it's for Christ (and I don't mean yelling out Jesus' name). Think of Jesus when you come. After sex, instead of a smoking a cigarette, discuss the works of the virgin Jesus.
18. If any power threatens your Christianity, make sure your political stance aims to destroy that threat (always through love, of course.) If the threat comes from a foreign country, support the military to crush the enemy (always through love, of course). If the threat comes from within your country, support legislation to change the constitution so that your Christian position will prevail.
19. If you're fortunate to achieve political power, use your religious beliefs to direct your actions. It doesn't matter how many enemies you slaughter or what freedoms are lost, as long as your justification is based on the Bible, you will become a Christian of history.
20 The most important of all: Give your possessions away (charity). The Bible says give all you have to anyone who asks (Luke 6:30). May I suggest that for practice, give me all your money. I'm officially asking that you to please give me ALL your MONEY. Warning: If you do not do this, you are disobeying a direct Jesus request. However, if you do obey this command, it will guarantee you a Christian position and you will garner my greatest esteem and respect for you.
If you follow the above examples (especially step 20), you will become an authentic Christian.
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