Biblical Marriage Guide

Since so many Buy-bull believers are insistent upon foisting their ancient prejudices and absurd positions onto U.S. public policy, here's a guide to Biblical marriage that, well, at least the TRUE fundamentalists should demand for all of us immediately:

 

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5) Please note that NOTHING in the Old or New Testament condemns polygamy. Polyandry, though (i.e., a woman taking more than one husband) is an abomination.

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30) Also, to bolster this assertion, the New Testament plainly states that Christians ought not "yoke themselves unto unbelievers" (2 Cor. 6:14). Therefore, all mixed marriages must be declared null and void -- period, end of discussion.

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9) Exceptions MIGHT be made for husbands to "put away" their wives in case of adultery, but even that's kinda iffy. All this "Well, he beats me black and blue" crap just doesn't hold water with the word of God.

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10) I'm sure that Payless and Thom McAn will be happy to hear about the shoe thing.

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

H. Now, I could go on and on here -- I mean, let's not forget Old and New Testament rules about women being subject to their husbands, or covering their heads in church, or being forbidden to teach men, or being impure during their menstrual cycles (remember: sex here means death), or some of those delightful levitical gems about when you may marry your slave girl, or how to tie the knot with someone you've just raped (after you've amply compensated her father, of course).

Ah, the joys of Biblical marriage!

 

Author: Matt McNeil
Neighborhood Link - Meet Your Neighbors - Matt, Paul, Ella & Cleo