Ezekiel Bread: Made with Human Dung
Editorial by Ebenezer Miser

Tuesday, October 3, 2006; 6:23 AM ET

While walking past the bread section in my local grocery store a few weeks ago, I did a double take at a bread loaf called Ezekiel 4:9. "What?" I exclaimed to myself. Has the world gone so nutty that merchandisers are now taking advantage of gullible religious people? (They also have a Genesis 1:29 bread!)

The Food For Life Corporation apparently thinks that Biblical bread will help sell its products to American Christians. Perhaps it will considering the vast majority of them in America. Food for Life claims that its products are "inspired" by the Holy Scriptures (a poorly disguised euphemism that means that their bread is also inspired by god). What religious person could pass that up? Of course their real inspiration is in making money.

You see, Ezekiel 4:9 refers to a passage in the Bible that describes how to prepare bread with wheat, barley, beans, lentils, millet and fitches (spelt). The problem here is that the biblical recipe was intended to help survive famine during an upcoming siege, not because it tastes good or that it's healthy for you. Barley and millet, throughout history, has been considered a poor man's food. Barley is a hardy grain that survives drought and frosts. It also grows in alkali soils. It is usually fed to livestock, but humans can eat it too if they can stomach the flavor. Millet is a bland tasting grass used mainly in disadvantaged counties to feed the poor (and the seeds are given to birds). It's also found in "natural" food stores because it's exotic (which means that its rarely eaten, especially by well-to-do people). Ezekiel 4:9 bread is also expensive. In fact it was the most expensive bread in the grocery store, a rip-off, if you ask me. Hint: you can make low glycemic barley bread on your own much cheaper (you can find free recipes online).

Just for fun I bought a loaf of Ezekiel 4:9 bread just to see what it tastes like. As I expected, it tastes horrible, just as one would expect from grains and grass that only a starving person would eat. Only if the religious-right's self-fulfilling prophecy of Armageddon comes near (not likely!) and we pagans end up starving before our final demise, maybe then I'll eat it again, but never again, if I have a choice.

I haven't a clue why they sell a Ezekiel 4:9 bread with sesame. Nowhere does the Bible mention bread with sesame. Sesame is a pagan food, go figure. I guess they put it in there to help make it taste better (it doesn't work). The bread also doesn't contain real beans (gee, I wonder why), but it does contain soybeans which is a legume closer to a pea than a bean (a soy pea), and it's native source is in East Asia, (not the Middle East) so it doesn't even meet the requirements of the Biblical recipe.

Nor did Food For Life complete the recipe. They forgot the last ingredient! Either they did not read the third verse past 4:9 or they were embarrassed by the scatological implications because the last ingredient is human feces!

But what really shocked me is when I found out that Food For Life did realize its shortcomings. They are now introducing a new bread called Ezekiel 4:12!

Ezekiel 4:12 refers to bread baked with human dung! Yes that's right: Human shit. Apparently they realized that to fulfill the actual Biblical recipe, they had to introduce this new bread line (probably forced on them by fundamentalists). I suspect they will probably drop the 4:9 bread in favor of this Biblically correct bread. Here's the actual Biblical passage:

"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them." (Ezekiel 4:12-13)

Note that some Christian apologists have tried to change the meaning of the passage by saying that the dung was used as a fuel, but this can't possibly be true because you can't use human feces as a burning fuel for cooking, not to mention that it would stink to high "heaven" if you did. Moreover, verse 13 explicitly states that it is defiled bread and verse 14 describes it as "abominable flesh." There's no way around it: Biblical bread is made with shit. In verse 14-15 the Israelites complained about eating human shit so God changes his mind (God changes his mind?) and allows them to substitute it with cow feces (as if that makes much of a difference). Shit is still shit no matter which mammal species produces it.

A Hebrew scholar once told me that the original bread was made by mixing the wheat, barley, spelt, etc. and forming it with dung into a flattened shape. The dung substitutes for water and it helps retain the heat, like a clay oven would because it's the first thing that drys out. If you think about it, poor and starving people would not want to use up their valuable water sources, nor would they have access to clay ovens, especially if you are a nomadic tribe being driven through the desert by a crazy scat god. Of course the dung can't be helped but to be cooked into the bread, thus it is defiled and abominable.

Here are the ingredients of Food For Life's Ezekiel 4:12 bread:

Ingredients: organic sprouted wheat, organic human feces, organic sprouted barley, organic sprouted millet, organic malted barley, organic sprouted lentils, organic sprouted soybeans, organic sprouted spelt, organic filtered water, organic fresh yeast, organic sea salt, organic air.

Well I guess its acceptable if the shit is organic, right? We certainly don't want non-organic shit in our bread, do we?

I got to sample a taste of Ezekiel 4:12 bread before its official release. The weird thing is that the added ingredient makes it tastes wonderful*. In fact, the flavor is so fantastic that I highly recommend it to any religious person. So while you Christians are waiting for Ezekiel 4:12 bread to come to your grocery store, why wait? Buy a loaf of Ezekiel 4:9 bread and crap on it before you put it in the toaster oven. And make sure that you shit on it in full sight of all your family members and friends. It's not only organic and live, but it's in the Bible!

Moreover, it's not like eating shit is unprecedented in the Bible. If you have a King James Bible, read II Kings 18:27 or Isaiah 36:12 where it talks about people eating their own shit and drinking their own piss. So you don't even need the bread part, and it's completely gluten free!



Actually I never tasted Ezekiel 4:12 bread because it doesn't exist (although Ezekiel 4:9 bread does). No doubt it would taste abominable. This is satire but, no doubt, there will be some gullible Christians that will believe anything. They don't read footnotes do they?

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