Shocking Archaeology Discovery: Jesus Was A Girl!
Ancient artifacts confirm that Jesus was female

Tuesday, April 1, 2008; 5:15 AM ET

Contemporary painting of the female Jesus

JERUSALEM- A team of archaeologists discovered artifacts near the wall in Jerusalem's ancient City of David that not only shows evidence that Jesus actually existed, but that "he" was a female. The amazing discoveries make it, not only the earliest known evidence for Jesus, but reveals that Jesus was actually a girl.

Carbon dating puts the artifacts at around 30 A.D. which makes this the earliest known evidence for an historical Jesus.

Zahi Mazar, the head of the Institute of Biblical Archaeology at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem and the leader of the dig, exclaimed, "We are amazed!," noting that a painting, a brass relief, and a cylinder object were found in the dig that is actually from a contemporary period, made during the life of Jesus. "It was something we did not plan on," Mazar said.

In describing the painting, Ephraim Balzar, a professor emeritus at Tel Aviv University, depicted the mural as, "Jesus with flowers in her hair, wearing a pearl necklace and a beaded anklet (ankle bracelet). And note Christ wearing the red lipstick." Also in the painting, "you can see a vertical ichthys that had a special meaning in ancient religions."

Ichthys is Greek for fish, and is represented by two intersecting arcs, commonly known today as the Christian Fish symbol. The Ichthys symbol was commonly depicted by pagans in a vertical fashion to represent the vagina, a symbol of the Great Mother' entrance to the womb. "You have to realize," Balzar said, "that the first Christians were pagans. And since they met and saw Jesus, they certainly would have known if she was a girl or not."

The painting also shows another woman, a worshiper or a secret lover, kneeling before the virgin Jesus about to pull a string that would open Christ's robe that would expose her naked body. This suggests that Jesus might have been a lesbian, but still a virgin because lesbians were not considered a threat to virginity.

The dirty little secret in Christian history is that Jesus has, many times, been shown as a woman. "This is no secret to the early Catholic priests," says Balzar. "In fact, Jesus as been reinterpreted as Mary, Christ's mother, to avoid the embarrassing consequences to Catholic congregations," said Balzar. "The virgin Mary is actually the virgin Jesus," claims Balzar, "and probably a lesbian."

Jesus throughout history has been depicted as a woman

Jesus has always been portrayed wearing a flowing gown and long hair. There is also a lot of Biblical evidence that Jesus was a girl. The Bible forbids men to wear long hair (1 Cor. 11:14). Mark 14:51-52 describes Jesus following a young man with linen cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him. Then he (she?) left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked. "This makes sense if Jesus was a woman," says Mazar, "but if he was a man, then this would make him a homosexual and I don't think very many Christians would want to go there."

Then there's the passage where Jesus commanded his disciples to carry nothing in their purse (Mark 6:8). Since only women carry purses, this might suggest that the disciples were women too or that Jesus wanted them to dress up like girls. Revelation 1:13 describes Jesus "clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle." A"girt" describes a type of bra and "paps" in Greek means female breasts and although men can wear girdles, it's usually women who wear them.

It is also a little known fact that the Pope's pointed hat is a representation of Christ's genitalia. "If you look at the Pope's Mitre, you'll observe that it is in the shape of a vagina. This is to honor the sacred opening," explained Balzar. "You won't get a priest to admit this, of course, because it is a long held secret, and they will deny it if you ask them about it."

This early Catholic Mitre (Pope's hat) shows a vagina shaped hat with a depiction of the sacred vulva of Christ. Even the clitoris is displayed with a red ruby. Today, the Pope's mitre is a toned-down version to avoid the sexual connotations, but it still retains the vaginal shape.

Interestingly, there was actually a woman pope, John Anglicus (also called Pope Joan or La Papessa), who reigned in the 850s. Pope Joan was known for her gigantic sacred vagina, thought to resemble Christ's vagina.

Jesus showing her Yoni

Another artifact found next to the painting provides further proof of Christ's female nature. A brass relief, depicting a "Yoni" figure as Christ as the central figure was found in excellent condition. Yoni is a Sanskrit word for "divine passage," or "place of birth. "This is as close to proof that Jesus was a woman as you can get," said, Balzar.

Alongside the brass relief was found a brass phallic shaped object (photo omitted because of its sexually obscene nature). Several archaeologists suggested that it was used as a kind of dildo which was inserted into Christ's vulva during religious ceremonies. Mazar explained, "No doubt that it produced a sudden epiphany among the faithful."

Mazar's archeology dig also revealed evidence that the artifacts were located in an ancient brothel, next to the wall. That suggests that Jesus was probably a Temple prostitute. Crude graffiti was also found etched on the wall that showed graphic descriptions of sexual acts.

Extremely embarrassed by the discovery, professors from the Institute of Christian Archeology, in Lacosa, Texas, had another interpretation. According to professor Jeffery Clout, "Biblically speaking Jesus was probably both a man and a woman - a hermaphrodite. Matthew 19:4 says that at the beginning everyone was made male and female."

Clout also suggested that if he was not a hermaphrodite, then Jesus would have to have been either a transvestite or gay. "If Jerry Falwell were alive, I think he would have to agree that this new evidence shows that Jesus was a homosexual," claims Clout. "Remember that Falwall accused Tinky Winky of carrying a purse., wearing a triangle, and wearing purple, the color for gay people," remarked Clout. "Well, Jesus also had his disciples carrying purses. The triangle is a representation of the Trinity and Jesus also wore a purple gown (see Mark 15:17. John 19:5)." Clout added, " It's also thought that the disciples referred to Jesus as "Christy," not as Christ, as the tradition goes."

Clout also observed that the reason why so many Catholic nuns are lesbians, is because they actually worship the Jesus of their sexual desires. "They even marry Jesus, but because the Church forbids homosexual marriage, they cover it with a facade, thus they call Jesus a man but really they know 'he' is a woman of passion," Clout explained. But Clout added, "In the end, I still think Jesus was a hermaphrodite, because that would explain all the evidence, not just some of it."

Other professors disagreed, suggesting that the Catholic raised Clout wanted Jesus to have a penis to avoid a purely feminine interpretation. "You see," said, Mazar, "The Catholic religion requires its priests to have a penis, and if you introduce a girl Jesus, this could have severe consequences to the 'women-in-the-pulpit' argument." "And note," added Mazar, "the woman-in-the-pulpit" is also a euphemism for the clitoris."

Needless to say, proposing a hermaphrodite Jesus angered professors from other institutions. Scholar and archeologist, Stephen Weenker, from the University of Leichester, remarked, "What rubbish! The new evidence makes it clear that Jesus was female only; there's nothing there that suggests that Jesus had male genitalia."

Paula Jenkins, from the Biblical Studies Institute, in Maryland, remarked, "Yes, the Bible suggests he was a hermaphrodite, but contemporary artifacts trump the Gospels which were written generations after Jesus."

"Yes, but what about Christ's dildo that was found next to the Yoni" questioned professor Clout.

Jenkins thinks that the brothel evidence suggests that the woman called Christy catered to women only.

This is probably what Jesus would look like as a hermaphrodite

No doubt, the new discoveries will stimulate scholarly discussions for years to come.

Regardless of traditional interpretations, the new evidence leaves out a heterosexual male interpretation. "Either Jesus was a girl (possibly a lesbian or a Temple prostitute), a homosexual, or a transvestite. There is no other option," says Mazar.

To make matters worse, Christian fundamentalists did not accept the new findings at all. Kent Hovind, a Ph.D from the Patriot Bible University (a Creationist university), angered by the female and the hermaphrodite interpretation, shouted, "This is an outrage! Jesus was NOT a girl. He was NOT a hermaphrodite, and he certainly was not a HOMO. He was a MAN, the SON of God. He had a PENIS!"

Then professor Mazar resonded to Hovind, "Well, if he had a penis, then that would make him gay, NOW WOULDN'T IT?"

Apparently Hovind did not consider this, and the mere thought triggered a violent response. Reporters at the meeting observed Hovind picking up the priceless brass phallic and hitting Mazar on the head. This caused such a commotion that the other professors joined in.

"Everyone jumped in," observed John Botell, a reporter from the New York Times. "It was horrible. Weenker gave Jeffery Clout an upper-cut that caused severe bleeding." Another reporter saw Balzar jumping on Hovind's back where he began punching his head like a rag doll. Shouts of obscenities filled the room. Hovind, a right-wing gun advocate, produced a pistol and began shooting into the crowd. "Fists were flying everywhere and lots of blood was shed in Christ's name," Botell observed.

A police swat team entered the building and finally stopped the masacre. An ambulance came and took many of the injured professors to a local hospital. Doctors, after observing X-rays of Hovind's body, discovered the brass phalus impalled deep into Hovind's rectum.

Jim Walker, an independent observer and non-believer, did not buy any of the interpretations, noting that, "There exists no evidence for a historical Jesus, much less a female Jesus. People will believe anything told to them, as long as the material gets presented to them in a believable way."

As usual, Catholics, Protestants, and Jews fought against each other over a religious interpretation. "This is nothing new," says Walker, "They not only do this every April 1st., they do it everyday."

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