Pants on Fire Leads to Further Travel Restrictions
All travelers must now remove clothes before boarding

November 18, 2010; 6:25 AM ET


Naked passengers at Grand Central Station waiting for their trains to arrive.

NEW YORK CITY.-- Red Alert: U.S. intelligence agents arrested a Pakistani man whose pants caught on fire at the Grand Central Station in New York City, Sunday, which triggered yet another red alert at all transportation sites, including train stations, airports, cruise ship lines, subways and bus terminals.

Suspicious TSA agents spotted a man in a boarding line, whose lower pants began to smoke, then quickly tackled him to the ground. After putting out the fire, the agents handcuffed Ali Mubar and flew him to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for "questioning."

U.S. Intelligent officials believe that Mubar was planning to blow up the Amtrak's Ethan Allen Express train, headed for Albany. Fearful of further attacks, Janet Napolitano, head of the Homeland Security Department, declared a worldwide ban on all clothing at transportation terminals. This new restriction, in effect, means that all passengers must strip nude before embarking on planes, trains, ships, subways, and buses.

Four years ago terrorist plans to blow up airliners with liquid containers was discovered which caused world officials to ban all liquid items on flights. Now passengers will also have to contend with sacrificing their clothes and luggage as well.

Forensic experts detected explosive materials in the fabric of Mubar's pants which could have been used as bomb material for blowing up a train. Since any fabric, including dresses, shirts, pants, socks, and underwear, could contain similar explosive substances, it was decided to ban all fabric at transportation terminals for the safety of passengers.

It has been known for years that farmers and agriculture workers who use fertilizer can accumulate nitrogen-phosphate into their clothing which can cause their pants or shirts to spontaneously combust. It's also possible for al-Quada terrorists to use similar means for the purposes of spreading fear and destruction around the world.

As agents dragged Ali Mubar away, witnesses heard him crying," I didn't do anything. I don't know why my pants caught fire. I'm just a simple Pakistani mango farmer, please help me..."

Considering the rising public outcry against invasive strip-searches and embarrassing porn-like X-ray scanners, the new nude requirements will surely upset many more Americans. However, many of the passengers took the new restriction in stride.

Kelly Woodi, who flew from Miami, Florida, said she had no problem with the new security measures because they were put in place to protect travelers. "Being nude for a few hours sucks, but I'm glad to cooperate than to have the alternative."

After removing all his clothes, a blushing Bobby Ramrod, remarked, "I agree with any security measures they have to take to ensure our safety, but this is sure embarrassing."

Sister Mary Margarine, a nun at the Convent of the Sacred Heart, also had to remove her clothing including her habbit and underskirt. "Our faith teaches us to sacrifice, and a little clothing is not so much of a sacrifice for safety, praise God."

Wilford Grindly, of Lone Elm, Kansas, not only had to remove his clothes, but he had to get rid of his colostomy bag that he wore secretly underneath his clothing. Horrified about losing his colostomy bag, the 76 year old Grindly sobbed, "I know it contained liquid waste, but did they really have to make me remove it? My flight lasts three hours. I can't possibly hold it in for that long."

Only one unruly passenger rejected the clothing ban. Bob Hurly, an atheist from Bangor, Maine, objected by screaming, "What do you MEAN I have to take my clothes off? Hey, hey, HEY, get your F--KING hands off my ass, officer. Is everyone crazy? Are you all cattle? I'm a free man, and I'm not about to expose my ass, ahhhhhhhhh." Officers concerned that Hurly's pants might explode, stripped him nude and handcuffed him. He was then sent to Guantanamo Bay for "questioning."


                  
Nude passengers boarding terminal bridge at JFK International Airport.   Passengers at Carnival Cruise Lines, in Miami, waiting to board ship headed for the Caribbean.

                          
Elizabeth Brown with family and child, resting at Dulles International Airport before her flight.   Passengers at Newcastle, UK, boarding the DFDS Seaways ferry.

Banned substances to date:

As of this week some of the following items are banned from all transportation sites:

 

Material items: Knives, guns, bombs, scissors, lighters, sticks, pens, pencils, pins, false teeth, dildos, and nuclear fissionable materials. (depleted uranium is allowed because it's non-fissionable and safe).

Liquid items: liquid bottles, gels, colostomy bags, liquid capsules (such as vitamin A and E), full bladders, and breast milk (unless tasted by a security guard).

Gaseous items: Aerosols, oxygen tanks, tear gas, and severe flatulence.

Fabrics: pants, shirts, skirts, underwear, shoes, luggage containers, wigs, Q-tips, and tampons.(Oddly, the restrictions do not include bow ties).

Even eyeglasses and contact lens are banned because it's believed that terrorists could use them as a magnifying glass to start a fire by aiming concentrated sunlight onto a spot.

(For a full list of banned items, go to: www.gov.org/banned_substances.)

Since the restrictions ban virtually all sold, liquid, and gaseous materials, this essentially means that passengers and crew members can't carry or wear anything on their bodies (except bow ties, and depleted uranium).


Passengers and crew on Delta Flight 87

Even pilots and flight stewards must comply with the ban. Only a few select people do not have to follow the restrictions. Members of Homeland Security, Ex-President Bush, Dick Cheney, and their republican friends and family members do not have to comply with the ban because, of course, they are the ones who instituted the Homeland Security Department that keeps America safe from the terrorists.

Since human bladders also contain liquid, Homeland Security is in the process of converting all terminal rest rooms by adding security cameras on all toilets and urinals to insure that passengers evacuate their bladders before boarding. Each restroom will also have an armed Homeland Bathroom Security Attendant (HBSA) to make sure the process proceeds efficiently.

If passengers fail to comply, the Security Attendant has the authority to arrest non-compliers. Remember the U.S. motto: "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists." (Bush address to Congress, 01 Sept. 2001)

 

Later Sunday evening, after brutal "questioning," it was determined that Ali Mubar, was indeed innocent afterall. Apparently, being a mango farmer, his pants were exposed to fertilizer, thus causing the fire threat. Mubar was released to family members who then flew him to a nearby hospital for medical treatment due to injuries sustained during questioning. Regardless of his innocence, Homeland Security officials will continue with the clothing ban indefinitely because Islamic terrorists now know that it is possible to construct an explosive device with clothing.

Bob Hurly, although also innocent, will be retained at Guantanamo Bay prison, indefinitely, for further "questioning." Because he disagreed with the clothing ban, that makes him aligned with the terrorists.

Discussions are underway at the Homeland Security Department about adding yet further security measures, including mandatory anal cavity searches for all passengers.

News item filed by cub-reporter, Jim Walker.
Apologies to Spencer Tunick

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